ff  00321 


UC-NRLF 


IE    flflE 


ISAAGH 


LIBRARY 

OF  THE 

JNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA.  > 


GIFT  OF 

GEORGE  MOREY  RICHARDSON. 


i   Accession 


Received,  ^August,  i8g8. 
Class  No. 


. 


, 


CHAUNCEY  M.  DEPEW. 


CHATJN 


AFTER  DINNER  RHYMES 


BY 
ISAAC     H.     BROMLEY. 


DELIVERED  AT  THE  ANNUAL  DINNER  OF  THE  NEW  YORK  YALE  ALUMNI 
ASSOCIATION.  JANUARY  23. 1891.      REVISED  AND  FRESHENED  WITH  NOTES  BY 

AUTHOR 


ILLUSTRATED 

BY 

C.  D.  GIBSON  AND  DAN  BEARD. 

fc&yf*f~%  \^ 

^-ff-X- 


NEW  YORK  PRINTING  CO. 
(THE  REPUBLIC  PRESS) 

PUBLISHERS 
536-5-58  PEARL  ST., 

NEW  YORK. 


Copyright,  by  the  New  York  Printing  Co.,  1891. 


T  AM  suddenly  informed  by  the  publishers  that  this  book 
needs  an  introduction,  and  that  they  are  waiting  for  it.  I  do 
not  know  why  it  is  necessary.  I  shall  not  pretend  that  there  is 
any  excuse  for  putting  the  work  in  permanent  form  ;  no  serious 
person  has  requested  it.  I  have  only  to  say  that  it  was  improvised 
several  days  before  it  was  delivered,  in  the  expectation  of  being 
unexpectedly  called  on  for  impromptu  remarks.  The  lines  were 


very  well  received  at  the  time ;  that  is  to  say,  they  did  not  break 
up  the  dinner.  There  is  a  change  in  the  meter  in  the  last 
five  stanzas,  which  needs  to  be  explained.  I  regret  to  say 
I  cannot  do  it.  It  differs  in  many  respects  from  ordinary  prose, 
and  some  persons  may  at  first  blush  call  it  poetry.  It  will 
likewise  be  observed,  however,  that  it  differs  in  some  respects 
from  good  poetry.  Such  as  it  is,  it  is  commended  to  the  char 
itable  judgment  of  mankind.  I  H  R 


RING  me  honey  of  Hymettus, 


Bring  me  stores  of  Attic  Salt, 


am  weary  of  the  commonplace, 


To  dullness  call  a  halt!" 


HYMETTUS. — Any  good  classical  dictionary  can  tell  the  reader 
about  Hymettus.  The  most  remarkable  thing  about  it  is,  that  at  the 
very  opening  of  the  poem,  it  is  the  only  kind  of  honey  which  fits  the 
metre.  It  was  quite  a  help  to  the  poet. 


HESE  dinner  speeches  tire   me, 

They  are  tedious,   flat  and  stale  ; 
From   a   hundred  thousand  banquet  tables 
Comes  a   melancholy  wail, 
As  a  hundred  thousand  banqueters 

Sit  up   in   evening  dress 
And  salute  each   mouldy  chestnut 

With   a  signal  of  distress." 


UN  IV  E 


rtf  H  U  S  spake  Jove  on  high   Olympus, 

With  a   loud  resounding  roar, 
In  the  early  days  of  April, 

Eighteen   hundred  thirty-four. 

Then  to   Bacchus  standing  near  him,   with  his  retinue  of  priests, 
Said  he,    "Bacchus,   you're  familiar 

With  the  speeches  at  these  feasts  ; 
You,   no  doubt,   can  bear  them  better 

Than  the  common   run  of  folks  ; 
But  aren't  they  getting  weary   of  these  old  and  threadbare  jokes?" 


BACCHUS.-Bacchus   is   introduced   thus  Dearly   in   the   poem,   though   late   in   the   evening,  under   the   poet's   license.     He 
had   been   there   some   time   under   Delmonico's. 

8 


Answered   Bacchus,   as  he  reached 


And  took  a  bottle  from  the  shelf, 


"Well,   to  tell  the  truth,   my   Jupiter, 


I'm  getting  tired  myself." 


ANSWERED  BACCHUS. — Bacchus  was  nothing,  or  scarcely  any 
thing,  if  not  truthful.  This  is  what  another  poet  of  an  earlier 
period  refers  to,  when  he  says  "  magna  est  veritas  in  vino." 


I:  OU,   too,   my  bully  Vulcan,   have  been 


Sometimes  in   the  reach, 
Of  the  after-dinner  orator 

And  after-dinner  speech, 
Tell   us,  my   fine  old  blacksmith, 

Does  it  give  you  great  delight, 
To  hear  the  speakers  spouting 

While  the  guests  are  getting  tight? 
Do  the  orators  and  speeches 

Bring  you  something  fresh  and   new  ? 
Speak  out,   my  horny  handed, 

Let  us  hear  a  word  from   you  ! " 


VULCAN. — It  would  have  been  better,  of  course,  not  to  have  rung  in  Vulcan  as  an  expert  in  after-dinner  speeches  ; 
but  there  was  no  other  god  handy,  who  fitted  the  metre  ;  and  it  seemed  a  great  deal  better  to  sacrifice  the  gods  to 
the  metre  than  the  metre  to  the  gods. 

10 


I 

IfUT  old  Vulcan,   shoeing  Pegasus, 


Still  held  the  horse's  heel, 


And  hardly  deigned  an  answer,   but 


Just  grunted   "  Ausgespiel." 


"AUSGESPIEL." — This  would  have  been  better,  of  course,  in  Greek;  but  the  poet 
was  pretty  much  out  of  Greek  ;  and  he  felt,  moreover,  that  it  was  only  doing  the 
fair  thing  by  the  language  in  which  most  of  us  take  our  beer,  to  bring  it  to  the 
attention  of  scholars. 

I  I 


lo 


V 


URN  ING  then,   where  John   L    Hercules 
Stood   leaning  on   his  club, 
Heavy  weight  among  the  athletes, 

And  champion  of  the  Hub, 
Father  Jupiter  said  :  "  Hercules, 

You're  well  known   as  a  sport, 
You've  attended  public  dinners  too 

Though  that  is  not  your  forte  ; 

Tell   me  which  of  all   your  labors  can   in  your  mind  coinpare, 
With  encountering  the  speaker  on   the  usual  bill   of  fare?'' 
"Ah, "said   Hercules  responsive, 

"When  that  duffer  takes  the  floor 
I  think  of  Erymanthus,   and 

My  tussle  with  the  boar." 

HHAVY  WEIGHT,  ETC. A  careful  rending  of  this  between  the   lines   will    disclose  a   delicate  compli 
ment  to  a  rival — that  is,   in  some  sense  a  rival — institution. 

"  I  THINK  OH  EKYMANTHUS  AND  MY  TUSSLE  WITH 
THE  BOAR." — The  reader  is  cautioned  against  con 
necting  this  remark  witli  the  Saturday  dinners  at 
Boston.  They  are,  as  one  might  say,  different. 


12 


V  •*-... 


NOUGH,"    cried   Father  Jupiter, 

"These  degenerate  sons  of  men, 
Have  lost  all  versatility 

With  either  tongue  or  pen  ; 
Bring  me  honey  of  Hymettus, 

Bring  me  stores  of  Attic  salt, 
We  will   make  an  end  of  commonplace, 
To  dullness  call   a  halt." 


"We  WILL  MAKE  AN  END,"  ETC.— It  will  be  observed  that  this  is  in  the  nature  of  a  repetition.  All  great  poets  do 
it.  As,  for  instance,  Virgil  in  his  8th  Eclogue,  when  he  breaks  out  every  few  "minutes  with:  "  Ducite  ab  urbe  domum 
mea  ca'rmina,  ducite  Daphnin."  So,  too,  Homer,  in  the  Odyssey,  with  his  everlasting  "Toy  5'  axafieiftoueroS  itpoGetpi] 
;'S  OSv(3(3£v?."  Then  there  was  that  other  poet  who  said: 

"These   two   lines   that   look   so   solemn 
Are   put   in   here   to   fill   a   column." 

14 


OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


4  4 


HOUGH   my  altars  are  deserted, 

And  the  world  no  more  shall  see, 
Eager  multitudes  at   Delhi 

Or   Dodona's  speaking  tree, 
Yet  a  trick  or  two  is  left  me 

And   1  think  I   soon  can  teach 
These  devotees  of  encores 

How  to  make  a  dinner  speech." 


DELHI.— This  does   not   refer  to   Delhi,    Delaware  County,  N.  Y.     Far 
from  it. 


N  broke  out  Oceanus,    Mars, 

Poseidon  and  the  rest, 
Crying,    "  Put  not  your  decaying  powers 

To  so  severe  a  test ; 
Remember,   there  is  nothing  new  remaining  to  be   said, 
Demosthenes  and  Cicero,   and  all  that  gang  are  dead. 
And  the  men  who  did  the  talking  on  departure  of  the  ladies, 
Have  now  for  several  hundred  years  been  doing  time   in   Hades." 

POSEIDON. — This  is  Greek  and  will  be  understood  by  all  educated  men.  If  the  reader  is  not  an  educated  man,  he 
can  return  the  book  and  have  his  money  back.  It  is  hardly  necessary  to  point  out,  that  "Neptune"  would  have 
broken  up  the  metre.  We  repeat  that  in  every  case  we  sacrifice  the  gods  to  the  metre,  rather  than  the  metre  to  the  gods. 

HADES. — This  again  is  a  return  to  the  Latin.  "  Sheol  "  has  been  rather  more  in  vogue,  lately,  but  it  would  not 
rhyme. 

16 


U  T  the  voice  of  Father  Jupiter 

Went  thundering  through  the  hall, 
"  I   will  show  you  soon  an  orator 

Who  is  bound  to  beat  them   all." 

Then  to  nimble-footed  Mercury,   who  stood  waiting  near  the  door, 
Disguised  as   District  Messenger,   Six   Hundred   Eighty-Four : 
"  Bring  me  a  dimpled  baby 

Without  blemish,   stain  or  fault, 
1   will  touch  his  lips  with  honey 

And  his  tongue  with  Attic  salt ; 

He  shall  be  a  chosen   infant,    1  will  guide  his  youthful  feet 
Through  teething,   mumps  and  measles,   and  the  perils  of  the  street ; 
To  train   him  for  his  mission   shall  be  my  constant  care, 
For  he'll   be  at  every  table  and  on   every  bill  of  fare." 


DISTRICT  MESSENGER,  Six  HUNDRED  EIGHTY-FOUR. — The  figures  are 
taken  at  random.  Any  similar  number  ending  in  "  four  "  would  answer. 
Care  was  taken,  however,  that  it  did  not  contain  a  cypher.  Whatever 
else  happens  to  this  poem,  it  shall  not  be  attributed  to  Lord  Bacon. 


18 


FED   Mercury   on   his  errand, 


Hunting  through  the  realms  of  space, 


For  the  coming  dinner  speaker,   who 


Should    not  talk  commonplace. 


I  O  T  long  the  search,   for  Mercury 

By  Jove  divinely  sent, 
To  Peekskill-on-the-Hudson 

His  hurried  footsteps  bent  : 
Found  there  a  dimpled  baby 

In  his  cradle,   calm  and  still, 
A  wise,   precocious  infant,   who 

Seemed  just  to  fill  the  bill. 

20 


HEN   hurrying  back  to  Jupiter 


At  once  addressed  him  thus: 


"  May  it  please  your  Royal   Highness, 


I  think   I've   found  the  cuss." 


•'  I  THINK  I'VE  FOUND  THE  cuss." — It  is  not  impossible  that  this  line  will 
provoke  criticism,  partly  on  account  of  the  sudden  transition,  hut  chiefly  on 
account  of  the  spelling.  But  it  is  believed  that  it  has  local  color ;  and  it  will 
be  observed,  that  when  Mercury  "  addressed  him  thus,"  he  could  not  have 
found  anything  else  without  breaking  up  the  whole  poem. 


22 


Then 
"Oh, 


O  which  great  Jove,   with  dignity,   impressively   replied, 
"Go  not  too  fast,  my  Mercury;  you  know  'twould  ill  betide 
Our  prestige  on  Olympus,   if, 

By  any   sad   mistake 
You've   missed  the  coming  orator  and 
Struck  a  Peekskill   fake. 
Tell   me,    I   pray  you,   frankly, 

By   what  distinguished  sign 
Discovered  you  at  Peekskill 

This  orator  divine  ?  " 

answered  nimble  Mercury,   with  a  giggle  and  a  grin, 
1   knew  him   in  a  minute  by  the  looseness  of  his  chin." 


"OH,  I  KNEW  HIM  IN  A  MINUTE." — The  reader  can  hardly  understand  how  difficult  it  is  to  "freshen  up"  a  poem  of  this 
character  "with  copious  notes;"  but  the  publishers  have  promised  that  it  shall  be  freshened  up  in  that  way,  and  the  author 
is  religiously  trying  to  do  it.  There  is  nothing  to  be  said  about  this  page  ;  and  this  remark  is  injected  in  order  to  make  the 
notes  more  "copious." 


LL    right,"  said   Father  Jupiter, 


You  fill  my  soul  with  joy  ; 
Call  all  the  gods  and  goddesses, 


We'll  go  and  see  the  boy.'' 


O   this  Graco-Roman  circus, 

From   regions  far  remote 
Got  off  at  Peekskill   landing 

From  the   Friday  evening  boat. 
There  was  Neptune  with   his  trident, 

Apollo  with  his  bow, 
John   L.    Hercules  and  Jupiter— 

The  whole  Olympian  show. 
And  they  marched  to  where  young  Mercury, 

With   instinct  sure  and  true, 
Had  found  the  coming  orator 

Young  Chauncey   M.    Depew. 

FROM  THE  FRIDAY  EVENING  BOAT. — Absolute  historical  accuracy  is  not  aimed  at.  It  may  have  been  some  other  evening. 
Purchasers  of  the  poem,  who  have  any  superstition  regarding  Friday  evening,  are  at  liberty  to  substitute  some  other 
evening. 

YOUNG  CHAUNCEY  M.  DEPEW. — Notwithstanding  the  suddenness  of  this  disclosure,  the  President  of  the  Association 
maintained  entire  self-possession. 

27 


HEN  cried  Jupiter  in  ecstacy, 

"We've  found  the  coming  man, 
He  will  make  an  end  of  dullness 
If  anybody  can." 


29 


|O  sweeten  up  his  eloquence, 

Let  him  early  learn  to  sip 
This  honey  of  Hymettus 

Which   1  lay  upon  his  lip ; 
It  will  dulcify  his  utterance 

And  keep  his  voice  in  tune " 
While  Jupiter  was  talking, 

The  baby  bit  the  spoon. 

And  Mercury,   interrupting,   as  he  stood  beside  the  cradle 
Spoke  up,    "Oh,  throw  the  spoon  away  and  feed  him  with  a  ladle." 


"  OH,  THROW  THE  SPOON  AWAY." — Again,  a  touch  of  local  color.     Not  perhaps  Olympian,  or  Homeric,  but  quite  in  the 
familiar  manner  of  the   District  Messenger. 

31 


^  HIS  Attic  salt,"  said   Father  Jove, 

"Will   keep   him  extra  dry;" 
At   which  the  boy   looked  up, 

And  dropped  the  corner  of  his  eye. 
Precocious  boy,"  cried   Bacchus;   "how  natural  to  think 
That  when  you've  got  him  extra  dry  you'll   ask  him   up  to  drink. 
But  never  since  the  heavenly  hosts 

With  all  the  Titans  strove 
Saw   1   an   infant  have  the  gall 

To  wink  at   Father  Jove." 


EXTRA  DRY. — Here  is  an  opportunity  to  bring  in  an  advertisement  of  somebody's  champagne.  The  publishers  point 
with  pride  to  the  patent  fact,  that  the  temptation  was  resisted.  It  is  believed  that  the  absence  of  mercenary  motives  is 
rather  conspicuously  manifest  throughout  the  entire  work.  Its  sole  purpose  is  to  make  men  better. 

32 


fNOUGH   of  this,"  said  Jupiter. 


Success  has  crowned  our  search  ; 


Let  the  baby  now  be  christened 


In  the   Presbyterian  church  !  " 


IN  THE  PRESBYTERIAN  CHURCH. — Here  is  another  instance  of  how  Providence  seemed  somehow  to  be 
arranging  for  this  poem  from  an  early  period.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  Chauncey  was  christened  in  the 
Presbyterian  church.  Any  one  can  see  what  havoc  it  would  have  made  with  the  verse,  had  he  been 
christened  in  the  Episcopal  church.  It  ought  to  be  added,  in  all  candor,  however,  that  it  would  not 
have  made  the  slightest  difference  if  he  had  not  been  christened  at  all.  No  true  poet  ever  permits 
himself  to  be  hampered  by  facts.  All  that  sort  of  thing  is  knocked  out  by  the  license. 


33 


TH  the  training  that  should  fit  him 


For  his  singular  career, 


Until   Eighteen   Hundred   Fifty-Two 


Jove  did  not  interfere ; 


Then,   lest  by  misdirection, 


His  experiment  should  fail, 


He  peremptorily  ordered  that 


The  boy  be  sent  to  Yale, 


34 


[[HERE  the  father  of  the  gods  knew 

The  advantage  it  would  be 
To  have  him  get  acquainted 

With  the  class  of  '53. 
On  the  College  fence  accordingly 

The  young  man  went  and  roosted 
By  the  voluble  and  soon-to-be 

Bald-headed  Jimmy  Husted. 

THE   CLASS   OF   '53. — Yes,    this   is  the   same   class.     It   has  been   mentioned   in   print   heretofore. 

THE  SOON-TO-BE  BALD-HEADED  JIMMY  HUSTED. — In  1852,  the  crop  of  hair  in  college  was  so  abundant,  that  the  college 
fence  might  easily  have  been  mistaken  for  a  Spiritualist  camp  meeting.  General  James  W.  Husted,  here  familiarly  and 
affectionately  called  "Jimmy,"  under  the  license  taken  out  for  the  poem,  had  at  that  time  hair,  as  can  be  proved,  if 
necessary,  by  affidavits. 

35 


HEN   the  years  rolled  along ; 


Old  toasts  and  old  speeches, 


Sucked  the  life-blood  of  fun 


From  the  table  like  leeches, 


THEN  THE  YEARS  ROLLED  ALONG. — -The  break  in  the  metre 
begins  here.  Warning  of  the  same  is  given  by  a  dash  line,  in 
order  that  the  reader  need  not  be  precipitated  hurriedly  over 
into  it,  so  suddenly  as  to  double  him  up. 


N  D  the  tedious  old-timer 

Inflicted  his  hearer 
With  chestnuts  whose  vintage 

Outranked  the  Madeira. 
While  the  guests  who  had  paid 

For  this  banquet  of  soul, 
Resorted  to  drowning 

Their  grief  in  the  bowl. 
37 


HEN    over  the  banquet 


Arose  in  full  view 


The  fairy-like  figure 


Of  Chauncey   Depew. 


need  to  describe  him,   you  all  know  him  well, 

For  what  Yale  alumnus  hath   not  felt  the  spell 
Of  the  wit  and  the  wisdom, 

The  charm  and  the  grace 
Upon  every   occasion, 

Whatever  the  place, 

He  diffuses  about  him  ?  It  need  only  be  said 
Where  he  sits  at  the  table  is  always  the  head. 
Alumni  and   Ball  Nine, 

Eleven  and  the  Crew 
All  throw  up  their  hats 

For  Chauncey   Depew. 
4o 


E'S  been   dining  and  speaking 

For  years  near  a  score  ; 
He  has  routed  the  chestnut, 

Evicted  the  bore, 
table's  without  him, 

No  dinner  complete  ; 
The  fun  always  waits 

Till   he  gets  on   his  feet ; 
Making  all   men   his  friends 

Without  seeming  to  try, 
Now  he  prays  with  the  pious, 

Now  drinks  with  the  dry. 
Always  sweet  as  the  daisy 

And  fresh   as  the  dew, 
No  fly  ever  lighted 

On   Chauncey   Depew. 


IS  religion   is  varied, 


His  politics  checkered, 


But  in  making  of  speeches 


He's  broken  the  record. 


He's  our  model  for  eloquence, 


Pattern  for  style, 


Exemplar  of  morals 


And  freedom  from  guile ; 


42 


O  when,   as  quite  often 


It  cometh  to  pass 
We  practice  our  speeches 


In  front  of  the  glass, 


And  the   Madame,   bewildered, 


Says,    "What  are  you  doing?" 


Our  only  reply   is, 


I'm   Chauncey   Depewing." 


43 


44 


may  be  to-night,   that,   as  Madame  foreboded, 

Because  Chauncey's  always  so,   you'll  go  home  loaded, 
Of  some  old  college  song  you'll  be  humming  a  snatch, 

While  fumbling  around   in  your  room  for  a  match. 
When  all   of  a  sudden, 

You're  knocked  off  your  centre 
By   recalling  his  sweet 


Then  if  some  one  inquires,    "My  dear  John,   are  you  slewed?" 
You  need  only  to  say,    "No,    I'm   Chauncey   Depew-ed." 

'E-itsoc  nrspoErra.  —  The  propriety,  if  not  absolute  necessity,  for  bringing  in  a  little  Greek  on  such  an  occasion, 
will  be  recognized  by  intelligent  men.  This  seemed  to  be  the  last  chance  to  give  the  work  a  scholarly  turn.  It  was 
received  with  enthusiasm  ;  and  the  author  took  pains  to  translate  it  to  the  guests  who  waited  upon  him  privately  for  that 
purpose. 

45 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DTJE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

AN     ,NITIAL 

W1UL   BE   ASSESSED  PENALTY 

TH1S   BOOK   °H  TS  °N  THE  FOURTH 

SEVENTH 


LD  21-50m-l,'3 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


003 


